The Case for Imperfection

Several months ago, before the seeds of moving back to Los Angeles were planted, before I directed my first film, I had dinner with a couple of friends. One, a dancer, the other a successful artist.

I had planned the dinner for work, hoping these two could help me brainstorm a group I was building for the treatment center where I was working…a support group for local LGBTQs in Oxford Mississippi - a safe space for queer people in the conservative south.

I asked them why they chose to stay in Mississippi, and they gave their reasons. I believed the support group would only be a bandaid for me, and eventually I would need to leave, but that goal seemed so far away, and I needed to know how they did it.. I also shared my fears of directing my first film, my fears of showing my current draft to anyone.

At that point the artist looked at me pointedly, leaned in, and very bluntly said “your first film will not be good, and you need to accept that.”

I was stunned. It reminded me of when I was 16 and the director at the community theatre in my hometown said - “If you can do anything besides act, do it.”

I had never imagined that my dream film wouldn’t be good - I had only imagined it perfect or non existent.

I left the dinner with some great ideas about the support group and some deep confusion about myself as an aspiring filmmaker.

Similarly to how I felt back when I was 16 I decided that this very talented young artist didn’t know me at all.

Within days I had decided to shutter Awards Wiz (my old Oscar site) and start building this site. I was going to focus my efforts on making my film, while not abandoning my love of writing about film and the Oscars. I was also going to expand my writings to include essays on what it was like to create these projects.

Then, within weeks I had been asked to direct a different film, the Oxford Community Film. The film was already chosen and precast, but I did (after the original one dropped out) have the ability to choose my own Director of Photography, which was great.

Throughout that process, from storyboarding for the first time to corralling and cajoling a large crew and a small cast, I kept telling myself to trust the process. The process was and is the process. Some good, some bad…but I can say that when I saw the most recent edit I saw a good film.

It isn’t perfect, and that’s ok. Things went wrong. I made mistakes. Others made mistakes. But in the end, it is going to be what I envisioned, and that is good.

In 2019, I continued to practice my ability to say no and the principle of yes. Heading into 2020, I hope to continue to remove the things that no longer serve me and say yes to what will. It may not be easy, but it is necessary.

There is a power greater than me at work, one that is often waiting for me to get out of the way, sometimes shoving me aside when my stubbornness has simply become too great.

I can already see that power guiding me in directions that seem scary. I hope that I can accept Imperfection, that beautiful imperfection and set boundaries in the new year. Despite my fear.