An honest look at 2019 - and hope for the year ahead

2019 wasn’t a bad year for me. So many wonderful things happened. Many things I had been dreaming of accomplishing for years. I got into a real exercise routine, I moved to California. I started a new website. All surface-y fabulous things! But there is always more to the story.

I began 2019 having just finished a 30 day challenge where I gave up sugar, dairy, and wheat. At first it was rough but after a few days I felt incredibly energetic, even decided to do 60 days instead of 30! At the end of my two months had finally lost the weight I had put on after getting clean. Then came Christmas, and I decided to eat whatever I wanted.

For 12 months I have had a battle with myself. Go back on the challenge, it worked. Eat whatever, and don’t feel guilty. Eat whatever one day a week, healthy the rest. Only eat organic. You just moved and need to spend money elsewhere, so eat all the frozen pizzas you want. ARGH!

The constant battle in my head about my body and what I eat has been exhausting. I did manage to start exercising regularly back in Oxford thanks to my amazing Crossfit gym. I had struggled for months as I watched my cohorts workout 5, 6, 7 days a week. I would go once or twice and not show up again for two weeks. Finally, I said - why not try 3 days. I set the goal, and I did it. That was an amazing accomplishment, one that I managed to achieve for several months. Until I moved to California.

After the diet, I threw myself into yet another Oscar race. It was pretty terrible. I had begun to truly find Twitter reprehensible, and without it, and without constant follower interaction I felt I didn’t have a voice anymore. And honestly, if I wasn’t willing to post every day at Awards Wiz I was going to become irrelevant.

I finished out the season and made the decision to shutter the site. The flip side - I started this one. I don’t know how publicists will feel when I tell them I am writing for brianwhisenant.com instead of Awards Wiz or Awards Daily…but I have to take that leap of faith. I’m not a traditional critic and dear HP let me never be known as an “Influencer.” I am an artist. And writing is part of that.

After the Oscars I continued to eat poorly, exercise regularly - and started going to therapy. I’m pretty much an open book, and find this site a platform for honestly in a way Awards Wiz never completely was, but I’m not telling you everything here. I started going to therapy regularly, worked through some of my past with EMDR (if you don’t know what it is, check it out!) and then with an insurance change with work and an impending move, gave up on that process. That has not been positive.

In September I moved back to Los Angeles. To Long Beach, specifically - a hop skip and a jump from LA. Long Beach, a incredibly diverse city that received a perfect score for LGBTQ folks. I live one block from the beach, have incredible access to 12 step meetings, year round farmers markets. It’s a dream come true.

But it hasn’t been perfect. My job, gratefully moved me here in a new role. Some days I find it to be the most fulfilling job in the world. Some days I have to pray to God for strength to get out of my car. My health was terrible for the first 2 and 1/2 months I was here. I tried allergy meds, essential oils, steroids, antibiotics, and in the end, writing this, I wonder. Could it be the diet/exercise? Could it be stress? The days I meditate are the best days. When I don’t, I struggle. Hmmm…there may be a solution there.

As I head into 2020, I hesitate to make daring declarations/resolutions. I used to love doing it though. When I lived in NYC I would write them on the plane home from Mississippi…I would manage to do very well in those early years, but as addiction progressed the resolutions became harder to stick to. In the end the only resolutions I had were to keep a job for more than 3 months and find ways and means to get more.

I will say this for 2020. I want to continue to grow spiritually. I believe that if I make the effort to do that, everything else will fall into place. I will make efforts to change my diet and get back on the exercise horse. But also pray to remove expectations.

It’s such a strange fine line. Powerlessness and empowerment. A dichotomy of principles that must work in my favor and not against each other.

I wish everyone a happy 2020. Be safe. I love you.