Finding motivation

A few weeks ago I mentioned to a friend of mine that I was struggling to find motivation to work on my short film. With what little free time I had I was binging “Scarecrow and Mrs. King,” a beloved 1980s star crossed lovers TV show from my childhood. It was fun, but it was also a bit vegetative and numbing. Not exactly a recipe for getting off the couch and getting to work.

One morning I woke up and found myself daydreaming about my college days, wanting to recapture the drive I had when I would devour a role, doing everything in my power to understand the character’s history, making a photo journal, character background. Even mixed tapes of songs that character would love.

There have been few recent moments of passion. Playing Austin in “True West” 5 years ago comes to mind. It was a role that wouldn’t allow for any doubts once I stepped on the stage. Also, after being disappointed in being cast as Giles in The Mousetrap, I realized that 1 - I was cast as the leading man, something I had always hoped for back in the day and 2 - this was a character I could truly examine my own defects through.

But the fearlessness! That was certainly missing. I wanted to find that person in me who back in 1997 closed a show, then drove all night to Austin to audition for RENT. Changed shirts in the parking lot, and killed it at the open call, getting all the way to the final callback, knowing I was deserving to play Mark on Broadway.

Could the difference be the fact that my one time complete and total passion had been sidelined to a “hobby?”

Whatever the circumstances, I needed and wanted a solution.

My friend gave me a task. Work on the film 30 minutes a day. Try setting an alarm, and if you want to keep going, do it. If not, go on with your day. Anyone can do 30 minutes, right?

The next Monday morning came, and I was ready. I set an alarm and I did it! I was PRODUCTIVE!

How great would it be, if I told you that it worked. To the contrary, those 30 minutes, or perhaps the ones that didn’t follow on Tuesday, and again on Wednesday would send me into a spiral unlike any I had experienced in regard to my reawakened dreams.

I woke up on that second day, that Tuesday morning tired from a late night trying to help someone find treatment. I canceled the gym, and the 30 minutes didn’t happen. I felt guilty all day.

On Wednesday, yet again there was no gym. No 30 minutes of work. The feeling of quilt quickly manifested into shame. It was swift and debilitating. I was in a bad place, fueled by years of beating myself up about not doing enough for my body or my “career.” Not fighting harder for my dreams.

By Thursday it was even worse. I was able to do my job, but come evening, I was back on the couch and practically comatose.

A few weeks have gone by, and I did manage to come out of the depression. I finished Scarecrow and Mrs. King, got off the couch and even went location scouting for my film. I sit here typing this and can’t help wondering. How did this even happen? Am I that fragile that one missed goal could take me down so easily. And what can I do to prevent it, if anything?

If you are like me, I am quite sure that the last thing any of you need to read is another motivational list of “tricks and techniques” that will help you GET OUT OF YOUR FUNK. So, let’s keep it simple.

I think my turning point was two fold. I told someone what was going on, and time. Time passed, and I felt better.

Pain shared, is pain lessened. I do believe that I can perhaps help someone who reads these words, and says to themselves- YES…I’m not alone!! And in turn, I help myself in the process.

Thoughts are thoughts, yes, and although I have heard many things over the years such as - act your way into knew thinking, act as if…those things have only done so much for me in terms of practicality.

So, I’m putting it out into the universe.

My experience shows that when I take the first step of willingness, the universe provides the strength I need to do what comes next. I simply have to get out of my own way.