Wrath Mercy, one year later

One year later I share stories from the set, what it was like being a crystal meth addict editing fake drug use, spill some tea and heartbreak about submitting a dream project to film festivals, how you can help bring a screening of Wrath Mercy to your city and what’s next!

As the story goes, Glenn Payne, my Co-Producer and I were sitting at a Mexican restaurant in Oxford, Mississippi in December of 2022 where he told me we were going to make my movie. He also told me to, “pick a date,” which I did. May 19th. In March of 2024 we would have another meal at that restaurant, mere minutes and steps away from the Malco Theatre which was hosting the Oxford Film Festival and our World Premiere. Today is May 19th, a day I will never forget, one year after that incredible date that changed my life in many ways.

On our way

Glenn and I prepped for several months leading up to filming, and looking back I realize what a gift that was. Through our Indiegogo campaign, TikTok posts/lives, text messages, phone calls, sidewalk asks and any interaction where I could pitch my film we raised over 20,000 dollars before heading to Coldwater, MS.

I stayed at my parents for two nights before filming, driving back and forth to Coldwater from Coffeeville, in the very truck that I used when I first got out of treatment. The same truck that made its way into the film. It was all very surreal. Despite popular belief, “Wrath Mercy” was not my first film, but it was a new beginning in many ways as a filmmaker. There was no going back.

On set - day 1

The first night was supposed to be our short night, but right before I left Los Angeles, Glenn and I realized we hadn’t scheduled enough time. We knew our second night was going to be the longest and most emotional, but day one involved the “high” scenes. It was very important for me and for Michael Williams, our Cinematographer to create something brand new and never before seen in regard to drug use on film. Usually, when meth is portrayed on screen, we only see what happens on the outside. Gritty, dark, and very very sad. I wanted to show what it actually feels like - the burst of clarity and hypersexuality on the inside with visuals. Michael created something so incredible with the camera, something that I would accentuate in the editing process by playing with speed, reversing the frames and jump cuts (using meth often feels like time is both speeding up and missing) Our composer Matthew Steed would express the fear and terror that also comes along with using the drug, especially with a drug dealer like Mall and her henchperson, Everett.

As I have learned since filming, mistakes can often lead you to some of your greatest creativity. Around 2am we were in the midst of filming scenes that would express Adam’s meth delusions amidst what was actually happening to him. I had not quite figured that sequence out and with sleep deprivation and inexperience, I had my first outburst as a director. Afterward, I basically asked Glenn to read my mind, and if he saw I was struggling - to keep everyone very quiet so I could sort out my thoughts. A bit more preparation might have solved this, and truth be told I didn’t get everything I wanted for the continuity of Adam actually smoking meth. Luckily, with Michael’s guidance in the editing, we made it work. And likely better than I imagined.

Day 2

After almost no sleep, day two arrived. This would be the bulk of the film, when Adam (Matthew Zimmerman) encounters Irina (Natanya Ross). This is the section taken form the play, with a couple of major changes. Adam is now gay, a meth addict, and his trauma is based on my own.

Although I had never met Matthew, I knew Natanya very well. Some of the best advice I received heading into filming was from my friend and filmmaker Will Stewart. “Brian, you will have to take your friend hat off and put your directing hat on to direct Natanya. You can keep the friend hat to the side or even put it on top of the directing hat, but remember, you are her director first and foremost.” This was vital.

In the film, Irina consistently asks Adam, “What Happened.” After some going back and forth, he answers her question, but not about what happened at Mall’s. He tells her what happened in his childhood. He tells her something he has never told anyone. This monologue was added later in the process and there was a word I was very scared to put in the film. To this day I wonder if one of the reasons film festivals aren’t programming the movie is because programmers are scared to look at the truth of “Wrath Mercy,” whether conscious or subconscious.

Adam says words that I have never said publicly, and it is one of the reasons gay men use meth. Matthew’s first take was good. It was a wide shot, which is normal in a scene like this. Then I noticed Matthew begin to embody the moment in a way that took the air out of the room. This was it. I went to Glenn and Michael and told them we had to film his close up now. We did.

The first take was great, but I knew he could do more. I gave him about 6 notes at once, one that I whispered to him that was very important that I may talk about one day, that I have never shared with anyone other than Matthew and Natanya next to him. Matthew’s 2nd take is what you see in the film. With tears running down my eyes watching the monitor I told myself that I could not ruin the take as I finally understood that this was not only my story of why I became so hopelessly addicted to drugs in the first place, but that people were actually going to see it.

Day 3

I would like to skip this part, but I can’t. Day 3 was supposed to be the easy day. Mom and Dad were going to come visit. There was no dialogue to film. And yet, because of rain on the first day we had to reshoot the scene with Adam and Everett from the beginning of the film. Glenn knew we would be tight, and I was uncompromising in my shot list. At one point after my parents had left I realized there was a continuity issue with a door not being closed. Glenn was working very hard to figure out how to manage our time with my bullheadedness, and I snapped. I cringe when I recall telling that room full of people that “the only person whose opinion matters is mine.” Although I was in charge the weight of it all, sleep deprivation…it all came crashing down. I apologized quickly. Michael told me that they were all just trying to make the best movie for me that they could. Glenn and I didn’t quite recover that day or the next. Maybe even a week. Thank goodness we have now. Even better than ever, I would say. And the door? It’s fine, of course. They knew it would be.

Editing

I never would have imagined how much I loved editing “Wrath Mercy,” and I never would have done it without Glenn encouraging/telling me to do it. It came very natural to me once I learned how to use FInal Cut. What didn’t come naturally at first was taking notes. But by this point, I knew that I could not do this alone. I am beyond grateful for Michael and Glenn who watched my various edits as well as the close friends I showed my rough cut to. If I could go back in time, I would have kept the rough cut a little closer to the vest. Another great gem, this one from writer Wendy Adamson - “Be very careful to whom you show unfinished work.”

One thing I did want to talk about is what it was like making this movie as a drug addict. On set, filming the meth scenes was really no big deal for me. It was actually more challenging, months before when my friend Zoe and I bought an “oil burner” in NoHo to test out smoking fake meth. I couldn’t get the pipe to vapor, which was all too familiar to my actual using days.

It wasn’t until the editing process that I was actually triggered. I was sitting at the very desk I am right now, trying to get the edit right in the “high” scene. It was a bit difficult because I was unclear of what I wanted that day on set, and now I was paying the price. 8 hours of cutting Adam smoking meth, “getting high,” being touched by Teddy…it looked and does look very real. And then it happened. After years of not even thinking about smoking meth, I got that terrible feeling, that burning in my chest. I stopped editing and went to a meeting. Scary stuff. That being said, it was absolutely worth it to make this movie.

Film Festivals

Here’s the thing. I LOVE film festivals and have worked for many over the years. And yet, there is a part of me that wants to disrupt the entire film festival system. There is another part of me that needs and wants to keep my mouth shut because I still want to get into several and will be hearing back from many over the next four months and don’t want to hurt my chances. And then there’s the fact that I have dear friends who work for and run film festivals. So, what do I even say here. Perhaps this is the most important part that I want every filmmaker to read - there is no way to fully understand the rejection, disappointment and anger that you will feel throughout this process without doing it.

But let’s spill a little Tea shall, we?

The first big blow came when it became clear that Outfest, the LGBTQ film festival in Los Angeles wasn’t happening this year. What terrible timing. This was my major want for my film. Not Sundance or SXSW, not even Frameline. I even wore an Outfest tank top on set the first day as a way to manifest it. How could this happen? And the lack of transparency to this day is baffling. Outfest sent an email a couple of months ago from their Interim Director, and it was infuriating. A real masterclass in how to say a lot without saying anything at all.

The second blow was one that had little do do with wanting to get in or not. It came when Slamdance didn’t send the notification to filmmakers before announcing their line up on Instagram. Needless to say, I wrote them back expressing my frustration. They gave a lame excuse about not having the server capacity to send enough emails per day. When I did get the notifcation and saw that 9000 people had submitted, it hit me. It’s the people who don’t get in that are funding everything. 8900 films did not get into Slamdance. Even accounting for waivers that’s almost half a million dollars raised by submission fees, from broken dreams.

And yet, I got into Oxford Film Festival on a waiver, and how many people paid fees to get into that festival that didn’t screen? Something to think about for sure. Would I do this all over again? That is still up for debate.

Speaking of that premiere. It was one of the greatest moments of my life, and one I hope every filmmaker can experience, and myself again. With Glenn on my left, Michael on my right, my parents, sister, friends, family and strangers around me, we watched my film the way it was intended. I have seen it hundreds of times on my television, computer, phone and at private screenings, but nothing compared to watching it on the theater screen.

I don’t want to call out anymore festivals, and I definitely don’t want to claim they should have programmed me when they didn’t. It’s subjective. And it’s only a handful of people making these decisions. I would like to give a big shout out to the Paim Spring International Shortsfest. We didn’t get in, but they not only offered me a filmmaker badge (which certainly offsets the cost of the submission) they added us to a film market library that will allow credentialed filmmakers, press, etc to view and consider championing our film. That’s class!

But I must say this. With LGBTQ festivals, I also know that there are many people within the queer community who don’t want to look at the crystal meth epidemic, even if it’s told in an entertaining way. Time will tell on a few more LGBTQ festivals. I hope the ones left will take what is sadly seeming like a risk and program our film.

Screenings

The question I get asked the most is “when can I see your movie?” By September, the majority of the film festival process will be over, and if we have not screened in Los Angeles, I will have a premiere in LA that people can attend. I will invite agents, industry and the LGBTQ community that I hope will see the film’s impact they way I have hoped. I will also look for a sponsor for a NYC screening if we don’t get into a film festival there. If anyone wants to sponsor a screening of the movie, let me know. You can pay for me getting and staying there as well as the venue, and I will bring my movie and myself.

What’s next

It’s been so special to revisit “Wrath Mercy” one year later, but I am already moving on to the next film that Glenn and I will be producing called, “Grief For Christmas.” This time, I will be acting as well as directing, which is very exciting. It’s a dark comedy about grief and class, and I can’t wait to make it.

Final thoughts

After the Awards Cermony in Oxford, two young filmmakers came up to me, wanting to talk about my choices as a director and editor. This conversation about my artistic choices was possibly the most important moment in the past year. So many people have loved my film, but most of them know me and my story intimately.

These two young people were talking to me based on what they saw on screen alone. In that exchange I saw the dreamer reflected back at me in their eyes. In that moment it no longer mattered which film festivals we did or did not get into. What happened was, I remembered why I made the movie in the first place. What mattered is that I made a movie. I MADE A MOVIE - my dream movie, and now others can see that and know that they can as well.