Twitter, Tide pods, and lack - oh my!

A couple of years ago I ventured into the dating world. On a first (that would turn out to be only) date, this fellow asked me if I was on Snapchat. I told him, no…mostly because it didn’t really seem necessary since I was already on FB and Instagram and Twitter. He exuberantly professed, “you must get on snapchat!!” Me, being the terrible people pleasing co-dependent I was (am?) obliged.

That night, this dude who will remain nameless, and I snapped about the latest rage - tide pod eating. It was ridiculous, of course, but mostly I wanted to stay in touch with unnamed person because I had had a really nice time over the 2.5 hour dinner I paid for.

The truth of the matter is, before I got clean (not tide pod clean, drugs clean), I had a “friend” who would only communicate with me on Snapchat. Rarely text, definitely no phone calls…just snapchat…and another app that will stay nameless along with Dy…oh yeah…nameless. Once I got my shit together, I didn’t need those things anymore.

Also after getting clean, I came back to the Oscar race in late 2014/early 2015, I don’t really remember utilizing Twitter very much. And that last year in active addiction, I could barely use my phone I definitely don’t remember Twitter playing much of a role in my life.

Anyway…back to “that guy.”

As we left the restaurant, he told me that we should do this again sometime. I thought, great…I didn’t say it first, so it must be true.

The tide pod snaps continued for a couple of days, and I tried to familiarize myself with the app. So many of my friends were on it, and although my friend John tried to explain it all to me my true focus was Tide Pod Guy.

Eventually he and I would text as well, and I would ask for another date. Suddenly he wouldn’t message me back. For day. There were a ton of “reasons” but nevertheless, we couldn’t get to that 2nd date.

Although he couldn’t seem to text me back because of (insert various bad excuse here), he did view my snaps, which were completely done for his benefit, and my self destruction.

I found my way back to therapy to discuss this, and my guru suggested two things - maybe I should stop messaging the guy and see what would happen (nothing happened) and to consider a reduction of social media - taking a look at “lack” in my life.”

Lack…what was he talking about?

Basically, there would never be enough likes or snap views to make me happy if that’s where I was looking.

And I was.

When I returned full time to Twitter back in 2015, 2016, things had really changed. The quippy 140 characters had been replaced with memes and snark - even bullying. There were also 1000 new Oscar experts, and I wanted to be connected to all of them. I wanted them to know that I had been there before, for years! I wanted them to know that I mattered!

Now…I was no longer living in NYC or LA…not getting screeners before the end of the year…so getting on this Oscar train in a legitimate was was not easy. I would try my best to post the perfect “thread.” Say the right thing at the right time. I would ride the waves of a Toronto premiere or a critics group announcement. And I would wish that I was in the room being “first.”

And then there was Awards Wiz. My site of 10 years. My readership was growing again…but no one was engaging with me on Twitter. I became obsessed with this. Why weren’t people liking my posts from Awards Wiz? Were they passive aggressively saying that I didn’t matter? Were they reading and hating it? Reading and simply not tweeting about it. Was I not a big enough bully…did I like too many things? I became obsessed with stats at Awards Wiz…could I beat the month before? Could I beat my peak Oscar season?

This was all connected to that sense of lack.

It would never, ever EVER be enough.

I left Twitter after the most recent Oscar race. I think I came back for about 10 minutes when I had something snarky to say and Twitter seemed the perfect place.

Then, on Friday, I decided to publish my website. Go live…

I let Twitter know…and a couple of people liked it. Even one (you know who you are, Amy!!) retweeted it.

I know the sense of connection was deeply felt on FB. People were reading it, and they were/are happy for me.

I know where the analytics are for the site, but I really don’t care. I don’t think I care.

Perhaps, the issue is me and not Twitter, FB, Snapchat, and…Schmylan, yeah…let’s call him Schmylan. Tide Pod Schmylan!

If the problem is me…there is a solution!