Addiction in Film - when an Oscar lover's worlds collide

Shortly before I interviewed Timothee Chalamet last season for “Call Me By Your Name” I heard about his next project - playing Nic Sheff in “BeautifulBoy.” I think I first heard about the book soon after it came out, but it was brought back to my attention while I myself was in substance use treatment. I was reading Augusten Burroughs’s “Dry” for the umpteenth time, but for the first time clean, when a fellow rehabber saw my book and suggested "Beautiful Boy" to me.

When it came time for the interview...I only had 15 minutes with Timothee, and at the very bottom of my notes I had typed "Beautiful Boy." I wanted so desperately to tell him that I knew what it was like to be addicted to meth, to ask him about his research...but with so little time I decided to wait.

I would ask him next year. We all knew he wasn't going to win on Oscar night for "Call Me By Your Name" but I knew...if he could pull off Nic, he would not only get nominated, he might win.

"Beautiful Boy" wasn't the only film about addiction and recovery coming out in 2018. There was also the Julia Roberts/Lucas Hedges film - "Ben is Back" and the Bradley Cooper, Lady Gaga version of the classic "A Star is Born."

I knew about "A Star is Born," of course, but had never seen any of the previous iterations. I had no idea the extent it would delve into addiction. Even when the trailer came out, with the first glimpse of Bradley Cooper fidgeting with the cap of his liquor bottle, in the backseat of the car, it seemed cursory. There was A LOT packed into that amazing trailer.

Watching "A Star is Born" again the other night, the film felt so much smaller than I remember. Although a studio film, it was made for 40 million, which isn't really a lot for a studio film. Instantly I was reminded why the film spoke to me back in October. Jackson's absolute NEED to drink. Ally serving tables, taking out the trash and headed to sing at the drag bar. Cinematography Matthew Libatique's camera work is so invasive and personal, that I couldn't help be transported back toward my early days trying to "make it" in NYC.

Their long romantic first night together - I have had my share of those too. Sometimes, once the sun comes up, reality comes crashing down. Other times, it comes knocking at your door with a badge and a gun, waking you up from a 3 and a half year relationship binge that doesn't quite kill you, but comes close.

My most recent connection to the film is that 2nd half. Considering this is my last essay of the season, I will not defend offenses (RE: Oscars Mission Statement!) but I will say, that while others consider everything in "A Star is Born," post "Shallow" to be lesser than the first half, I found it to be the most truthful.

That binge relationship that almost killed me? Remember that scene when Jackson verbally abuses Ally in the bathroom? Lived it. Over and over and over. Just imagine if Ally was an addict as well. Not pretty.

The scene where Ally goes to visit Jackson in treatment is one brilliant piece of writing, acting and directing. You are watching Ally trying her best to love Jackson, not knowing what to say but also navigating how to say it, while Jackson fights the guilt and shame associated with that night at the Grammys. Of course, end the end they both fail. Ally's last conversation with Jackson is a lie, codependent as hell, and Jackson succumbs from the weight of one conversation from Ally's manager.

My Mom, who I saw the film with the first time, was so mad at Rez for saying what he did to Jackson. In tears she said, "if he hadn't said that to him...." I said to my Mom, "it wasn't Rez, Mom, it was Jackson."

Jackson was going to use...he just needed an excuse.

I have watched so many Jackson's come in and out of my life, and those who are unwilling to do the work to get down to the root of the problem don't make it. The ends are always the same.

Around the same time that I saw "A Star is Born" for the first time, I reached out to Amazon for the first time about interviewing the team behind "Beautiful Boy. I let them know that I had interviewed Timothee before, sent them a link to the story, and also disclosed that I was in recovery, pitching the idea of what you are reading right now. I got one email response from my contact connecting me to the PR folks specifically handling "Beautiful Boy."

As the year was ending, I also reached out to the folks handling "Ben is Back," disclosing again. An Oscar writer, in recovery, with a story to tell. No response.

As the year came to a close, "Beautiful Boy" made my Top 10 and I declared Timothee Chalamet to have given the Best Performance of the year.

Right before the nominations deadline, I reached out to Amazon, one last time. The writing was on the wall for Timothee, and I wanted to help. I got my first response since October asking who all I would be willing to interview. I responded with Felix, the director, Luke Davies, the screenwriter, and Timothee.

That was the last I heard from them, and Timothee didn't get nominated.

I did eventually see "Ben is Back" and absolutely loved it. I actually see it becoming a yearly "Christmas Movie" for me. I think any addict who sees it would say the same. You normies? Probably not your "It's a Wonderful Life."

I have wondered why "Beautiful Boy" and the 2nd half of "A Star is Born" didn't work for so many people, and I think it's because those people have the pleasure of not living that life, either as a family member or an addict. 1 in 10 people are vulnerable to addiction...which is a lot. But 9 out of 10 are not...and those 9, although certainly vulnerable to knowing someone either in their own family or neighborhood...are very prone to both denial or the negative effects of stigma.

I'm so glad 2018 gave us "Beautiful Boy" and "Ben is Back" even if they didn't get the Oscar love many of us hoped they might get this time last year. And although "A Star is Born" will more than likely take at least one prize on Oscar night, I can't help but wonder if things might have been different.

Would Timothee have had a chance had I been able to speak with him and the director, trying to bridge an understanding of the film's repetitive nuances to people who don't understand relapse?

What if Bradley Cooper had been more vocal, as he has been in the past, about his own recovery from addiction? I have read many think tweets about Cooper's aloofness during this season...which looking back must have been deliberate.

What if I had not disclosed being in recovery to Amazon? Would it have made any difference had I just approached it all like any other run of the mill journalist...Or am I just being overly sensitive about the whole thing?

We'll never know. But I do know this.

No amount of awards or lack of them can take away the films we love.